The Diagnosis

I am lucky to have a nurse as a mother.  She is the most caring and kind soul I have ever met.  Her life has been devoted to helping others. Growing up, she and my father nurtured not just my body, but my mind and soul.  They inspired me to always follow my heart and constantly pushed me to enhance my creativity. From the moment I decided to return home, my mom put her nursing cap on and got to work.  She set up doctor’s appointments, blood tests, and massages for pain management. I didn't even have one day’s rest once returning to Flagstaff before jumping head first into figuring out what was wrong with me. 

Within the next week I find out that I am walking around with sinus, bacterial, and parasitic infections.  I had Ringworm and Rosacea which caused rashes all over my body. MRIs found tendonitis in both wrists and elbows and torn cartilage in my left wrist.  The doctor prescribed braces for both wrists, which I was ordered to wear full time. It was suspected that I was walking around with an untreated fractured neck which was causing my neck pain. But above all, blood tests showed that I had autoimmune system deficiencies and I was quickly diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis.  

I sit in the doctor’s office as he blabbers on about my disease in words too big to understand.  I twiddle my thumbs in their braces while rocking my crossed ankles; I zone out.

My uncle has the same disease.  It causes severe joint pain and eventually your bones fuse together.  My uncle’s neck bones did just that and he now has a metal bar running up his spine.  He is still able to perform most functions thanks to his active lifestyle prior to being diagnosed, but it has affected his life, understandably so.  I always wondered if I too had an autoimmune disease, I was just too scared to admit it. 

I zone back in to the doctor, “You will need to inject yourself weekly in the thigh.  It will really help us in treating this.” Wait what? Um no. I have only known this doctor for all of five minutes and he is already telling me to inject myself with extreme amounts of chemicals?  I am not putting any kind of steroids in my body, let alone injecting myself with them. I saw what steroids did to my brother, dad, and uncle who all have similar autoimmune diseases.  I have never really agreed with doctors, but today I reach my breaking point. I smile and nod, telling the doctor what he wants to hear, and get out of there as quickly as possible. 

I leave the doctor’s office unsure of what to do next.  I want to go on acting like nothing has changed, though everything has.  I have just been diagnosed with a life altering disease with no cure, and the only foreseeable relief is to inject myself with harmful chemicals for the rest of my life.  Where on Earth do I go from here?