Mostly Just a Blur

The decision to leave California was like a whirlwind: I woke up on a Monday and decided I was really going to do it, and by Saturday, I had quit my job, sublet my room, packed up all my belongings and was driving back home to Arizona. My mind and body had gone into survival mode and the only fathomable thing left to do was to pack my things and head home.

Driving through the desert, my Honda filled to the brim with boxes, my best friend Leia sleeps next to me in the passenger seat. As the sun beats down on my face, the palm trees whirl past. I think back to the past years of my life. They are mostly just a blur.

It was mostly a good blur, full of achieving my goals and living my dreams. While always trying to have as much fun as possible. Independent and free from worries, I was enjoying life to the fullest. A new city every night, never slowing down.

I had done so well for myself in California, The City of Angels, where dreams become reality. From attending fashion school fulltime while working fulltime, to now working and adventuring fulltime, I was working my way up the fashion industry ladder.

Los Angeles isn’t all fun and games though, it’s a ruthless place where people lose themselves in the madness. Things began to become foggy in my head because I was pushing them from my mind. I didn't want to address the more serious issues so instead, I distracted myself with having fun. I was riding the wave of life, but you can only ride the high of that wave for so long, until it crashes back into the ocean.

My sweaty palms gripping the steering wheel, I start to feel my senses again. It is as though I had been on auto-pilot and was finally turning back on, almost like the little voice in my head had been put on mute. Hello? Knock knock, anyone home? I realize it is time to turn the volume back up and start listening to that inner voice again.

For ten years I had ignored the pain. I stopped questioning why I would constantly have infections or randomly throw up all night. It wasn’t hard to play hooky from work and instead go on adventures when I was always feeling sick anyway. The constant aches circulating my body were nothing to me at this point, there just wasn’t any time to slow down. It was a silent pain that no one else could see, so if they couldn’t see it, does it not exist? I had ignored it for so long, I thought this was how my body in this life was meant to feel; I had become numb.

The pain began to bubble over the surface and became too insufferable to ignore any longer. Every joint in my body constantly ached. Work became so unbearable that I cried every morning before going into work due to the pure anticipation of how much pain each click of the mouse would cause. I stopped preparing my own meals because the motions of meal prep would aggravate my body. I resorted to eating fast food which caused me to become malnourished. My body hurt too much to even practice yoga, my favorite form of exercise and relaxation.

By the time I actually decided to do anything for pain, it was already too late. I tried physical therapy, but it just wasn't enough. I had pushed my body so far over the edge that there was nothing to do but fall. So, it was now my time to fall. You can work so hard to build yourself up, but if not built with the proper blocks, it is astonishing how quickly it can all come tumbling down.

On the drive back to Arizona, Leia and I stop at the Salton Sea. This is a place of dismal emptiness. But amidst all the bleakness, there is a raw, untouched beauty. A hidden power that is not to be messed with. As I squish the muddy sand between my toes, I am reassured by the universe that I am ready. I am anxious and excited to embark on this journey of transformation, and to truly leave my old life behind.

The pungent salty air wafts up from the sea. I breathe it in, reminded that no matter the state of being, there is always beauty. I too have a power waiting to be released. The hot air blowing in the wind soothes my aching body. As it blows through my hair, I feel negativity and pain leaving with it. The transformation has already begun.

Ten hours later, we pull into my parents’ driveway in Flagstaff, Arizona. There is still snow on the ground. I was here less than a month ago at Christmas. It really hasn’t hit me yet that this is my home again. Just feels like another vacation.

I walk through the door and am greeted by my mom’s warm smile, her arms wide open. I immediately collapse into her, tears pouring down my cheeks. I did it! I took charge of my life, listened to my instincts, and made a change. It took every ounce of energy I had left to get me back home and to this point in my healing journey, but now, knowing that I can finally rest easy, I crumble.

I have always strived for perfection which, if not achieved, I would still give the appearance of perfection, always lending a hand to others to distract me from my own problems. But now, for the first time in years, I allow myself to be weak in someone’s presence. It is my turn to ask for help.